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Dear
God,
So
far today, I've done all right.
I
haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I
haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But
in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm
probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank
you!
Amen
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Santa?
"I
never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my
neighborhood after dark."
Dick
Gregory
Is
there a Santa Clause?
As
a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that
renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) I am pleased to present
the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1.
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living
organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs,
this does not completely rule out flying reindeer (which only
Santa has ever seen.)
2.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa
doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that
reduces the workload to 15% of the total-378 million according to Population
Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household,
that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones
and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems
logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for
each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to
park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been
left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next
house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of
our calculations we will accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per
household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what
most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This
means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the
speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on
earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second-a
conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each
child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is
carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as
overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN
TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need
214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload-not even counting the weight of the
sleigh-to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison-this is four times the weight of
the Queen Elizabeth.
5.
353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance-this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts
re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3
QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into
flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create
deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized
within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force.
In
conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
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Microsoft
and LDS
by
Chuck Huber
SALT
LAKE CITY (AP)- In a surprise move that left competitors stunned, Microsoft has
followed up its successful merger with the Roman Catholic Church by announcing a
cash buyout of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In recent weeks,
high officials of the LDS Church (more commonly known as the Mormons) had been
rumored to be in negotiations with both Novell and Lotus, but the Microsoft move
came as a complete surprise to most industry/religious observers. With much of
Microsoft's competition based in Utah, many current employees of WordPerfect and
Novell commented (anonymously) that they would feel morally obliged to jump ship
to Microsoft. Novell is countering by pointing to non-competitive clauses in
senior personnel's contracts, and urging conversion to the Reorganized LDS
Church, with whom Novell has entered into hasty negotiations.
Microsoft
spokespersons officially denied any intent to pirate Novell employees with this
move, though they indicated that they were willing to sell Novell their Eastern
Rite Catholic subsidiaries to avoid anti-trust action.
According
to the official press release, Microsoft CEO and Pontiff Bill Gates said,
"We've been hoping to acquire the Mormons for a long time. They're a fast
growing organization with a large, mobile and highly dedicated sales force which
will work synergistically with our worldwide Catholic retail outlets. More
importantly, we're acquiring the LDS "convert-the-dead" technology
which we will incorporate into OLE 3.0 (scheduled to arrive in the next versions
of Windows and Windows NT, currently codenamed "Rome" and
"Jerusalem" respectively)."
Gates
went on to say, "This will expand our user base to generations of users who
never before had the chance to purchase Microsoft products." Microsoft
insiders who declined to be quoted predicted record profits from requiring
deceased church members to purchase annual upgrades in order to maintain their
eternal salvation.
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IBM
Buys Episcopal Church
For Immediate Release
The Chairman of IBM announced today that, in response
to Microsoft Corp.'s acquisition of the Roman Catholic Church, IBM has bid for
and acquired the Protestant Episcopal Church in the United States of America for
$1 billion.
"We are the oldest and most prestigious computer
company in the world," he said, "and we cannot be seen to be lagging
behind in the race for preeminence in the religious software and hardware
markets. We have tendered an offer to the Most. Rev. Edmund Browning, Presiding
Bishop of the Episcopal Church and Pamela Chinnis, President of the House of
Deputies of General Convention, and they have recommended acceptance to the
shareholders / communicants."
The Episcopal Church is one of the oldest and most
respected denominations in the United States. Many current and former
officeholders, including many Presidents, have been communicants. Although its
membership was declining in recent years, the latest figures show a slight
increase in membership. A combination with IBM will probably be beneficial in
terms of putting "fannies in the seats" in Episcopal Churches across
the United States.
There will also be great benefits to IBM in terms of
international connections through the Episcopal Church. The Church is one of the
most senior members of the international Anglican communion by way of its
separation from the Church of England after the Revolutionary War and the
consecration in 1784 of its first Bishop, Samuel Seabury. IBM hopes to gain a
foothold in the international religious business through these connections, and
perhaps tender a bid for the entire Anglican Communion by the time of the next
meeting of the world Anglican bishops in London in 1998 (Lambeth Conference).
The Archbishop of Canterbury, The Most Reverend George Carey, could not be
reached for comment.
IBM and Episcopal Church are "good fit."
IBM has had the distinction of being the first and, up
until several years ago, the most successful computer company in the world. It
was founded by Herman Hollerith, the inventor of the computer card, in the late
1800, and concentrated on business machines such as adding machines and
typewriters until the invention of the computer in the 1940. They invested
heavily in this new technology, and became rich from selling and maintaining
them in the 1950's through 1980's.
However, IBM's stodgy corporate culture prevented it
from taking advantage of newer technology. It almost entirely missed the value
of personal computer technology in the late 1970's, allowing other companies to
use processes it developed to make so-called "clone" personal
computers. It therefore lost out on the billions of dollars spent on this
technology over the past 15 years.
IBM has recently spun off its typewriter and printer
businesses and concentrated on PC building and software, and has even resorted
to layoffs for the first time in its history. The slogan, "No one was ever
fired for buying IBM" has become a bitter joke in the business world.
The Episcopal Church was, for a long time, considered
the most successful of the Protestant Churches in terms of wealth and power.
Many of the rich and famous swelled its numbers, and its liturgy was noted for
its archaic beauty as much as its treasury was noted for its gilt-edged bonds.
However, in recent years, with the dying-off of the
elderly rich and the fall in the birth rate among the bluebloods who remained,
the Episcopal Church has suffered both a decline in numbers and in influence and
wealth. Notwithstanding the slogan, "The Episcopal Church Welcomes
You," numbers have only recently begun to increase again as the Church
begins to be seen as a place where outcasts can take part in its life.
Along with IBM, the Episcopal Church has had to resort
to layoffs to balance its budget, and the merger will allow both organizations
to trim even further their personnel costs. IBM's chairman said today, "We
have been known as the place where the white-coated mystics take charge of
computers in sealed rooms. As a direct result of this merger, our white-coated
mystic roster will be cut by half and merged with the ordained ministry of the
Episcopal Church. After all, they also wear white garments when celebrating
their mysteries. The similarities outweigh the differences, and we think that we
can bring their white-suited mystics up to speed in JCL and C++ within a few
months."
The Presiding Bishop and Ms. Chinnis issued a joint
statement saying: "We welcome this merger as a meshing of two great but
sometimes old-fashioned institutions. The merger will allow us to cut our
technical staff by half again, and concentrate our resources on becoming the
largest and most successful Protestant Church in the United States. Our first
IBM mainframe is already being installed in the basement of 815 Second Avenue,
the Episcopal Church Center in New York."
They continued: "So that we can assure ourselves
that the Apostolic Succession will be continued, the Bishops of the Episcopal
Church will lay hands on the Board of IBM in a ceremony at the Cathedral of St.
John the Divine in New York City. Then, the entire House of Bishops will travel
up to Armonk, where they will be instructed in the use of the personal
computer." The business writers of most US newspapers will join the
religion correspondents in recording this momentous occasion. Both the business
and the religious communities are awaiting the new developments that this
historic merger will make possible.
His Eminence, Bill Gates, had no comment.
Back to top
Microsoft
and Roman Catholic
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St.
Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the
Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an
unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes
through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a
major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the
senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division,
while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be
invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market
in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of
MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more
fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new
on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the
first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of
selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins,
receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving
your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will
include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces
automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in
St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in
character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by
satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement.
When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy
hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights
to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by
such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face
stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key
intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of
the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia.
"You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years
before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths
both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just
been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre
Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic
Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the
first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an
aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to
Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various
kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not
they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several
denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The
Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing
MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to
develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions
through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of
interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of
different implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and
acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern
Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in
the increasingly competitive religious market.
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Computers,
Heaven, and Hell
Matthew 5:37 -- The theological background for
computer science.
A woman approached the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter asked for her social
security number. The woman told him, and Saint Peter typed on his workstation:
pearly-gates:^/peter grep 212-53-6432 /earth/human/status
The computer responded:
212-53-6432 Cindy Smith cms@dragon.com!earth naughty pearly-gates:^/peter
Saint Peter then told her she was eternally damned, and
that a minivan to hell would be arriving shortly.
Cindy began to protest "But what did I do wrong? I
loved my fellow neighbor as I loved myself, I was a kind, warm, gentle person!
Surely there must be a mistake!"
So, Saint Peter looked up on the files, and saw, lo and
behold that she truly was a kind, warm, gentle person...until he saw the entry
for jan 7, 1992-earth, which read:
***DAMNABLE VIOLATION #69***
Posted irrelevant article to newsgroup.
After probing a little more, Saint Peter explained to
the woman, "It seems that on January 7, 1992 you posted an article to
Alt.religion.computers. This article gave no praise of Emacs, no snide remarks
toward Microsoft, and not even a comment on the proper definition of 'hacker'!
In fact, the article was not even relating to computers at all, and discussed,
of all things, human religion! There wasn't even a reference to Bob or
Discordianism, Zen, or the Tao of programming. Oh, dear! This is terrible."
"You see, heaven is a perfect place, and we only
have room for the most perfect people. Ever since we ran the T-3 line up from
New Jersey we've been particularly harsh on breakers of netiquette. Didn't you
read RFC-23654? The one proposing commandments 11 through 15?"
He opened up an XTerm window and searched for some
files. After a few moments, the laser printer spat out a crisp sheet of paper.
It read:
11: Thou shalt not flame spelling or grammar.
12: Thou shalt not have a .sig file longer than 3 lines.
13: Thou shalt not send "All fags must die" messages to 19 random
groups.
14: Thou shalt not request post a frequently asked question.
15: Thou shalt not post to a group without first reading a week's worth of
posts, thereby avoiding irrelevant articles.
16: Thou shall not post administrative requests to the
main list.
When she was done, she began to stammer, but Saint
Peter stopped her, saying "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. To register
a complaint, you'll have to send mail to:
status-change-request@godvax.heaven.com.
We have a group of cherubim who manage such requests.
But don't send it to:
status-change@godvax.heaven.com,
otherwise your request will be distributed to the whole
mailing list. They *hate* that! In fact, there's some discussion about making
that the 16th commandment..."
At that point, a Dodge minivan drove up and came to a
stop. Satan, in the form of an IBM salesperson, stepped out.
"Welcome!", she said. "We've been waiting for you..." Cindy,
almost in a trance, stepped into the minivan and was whisked away to the
netherworld, a world of COBOL, System 36's, punch cards, incompatible network
standards, and irresponsible news posters. Satan turned to Cindy, and smiled.
"You'll like it here", she said, "We have netnews, but we've
greatly simplified it. We have only one group, it's:
alt.talk.sci.comp.soc.rec.misc!"
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The Burglar
He's always watching...
A burglar was cruising through one of our posh suburbs
looking for a target of opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big
screen television, stereo, and video outfit. All the gear had to cost thousands
of dollars. He made a mental note and went on his way.
The next day he was back in the same neighborhood. When
he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly couple loading
suitcases into the trunk of their car. He could hardly wait.
That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog,
he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke
the lock on the kitchen door and went in.
It was pitch black inside as he made his way through
the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the
things he wanted to steal.
"I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said.
The burglar froze in his tracks.
"I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice
said again.
When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his
flashlight and shinned it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot
on its perch.
"I see you and Jesus sees you."
The burglar laughed.
"Just a dumb bird," he said.
The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp
and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pinscher sitting beneath
the parrot's perch.
"Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.
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The Church
Sign
That's a mouthful!
Two men are standing on the front lawn of a church. One
man is leaning on the church's sign and the other is looking at it from the
front.
The sign reads :
Which Church?
A Baptist, Presbyterian, & a Lutheran...
A Baptist preacher, a Presbyterian minister, and a
Lutheran pastor got into a discussion as to which denomination Jesus Christ
would belong to. Each claimed that He would belong to his own.
The Baptist preacher declared: "He would obviously
be Baptist! We're so on fire with the zeal for God, just like He was when He was
on earth. He'd join us in a heartbeat!"
The Presbyterian minister stated: "Not so! He'd be
a Presbyterian! We do everything properly and in order, and give the Glory to
God, just like He did. He'd join us immediately!"
The Lutheran pastor sat silent for a minute. Then he
stated: "Y'all each have some good points, I must admit. But He'd never
change."
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Classic
Church Bulletin Bloopers:
The
choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the
choir.
The
outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not
afflicted with any church.
Evening
massage - 6 pm.
The
Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The
audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low
Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the
back door.
Usher
will eat latecomers.
The
third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical
accomplishment.
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TOP
14 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE
1. Find an attractive prisoner of
war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes.
Then she's yours. -- (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea
(Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress
him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman
as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come
out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites
(Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you
sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a
woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work
another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's
right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Even if no one is out there, just wander
around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
9. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a
beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
10. When you see someone you like, go home and
tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If
your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the
one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
11. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare
to lose your son though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)
12. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.
(It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or
Leviticus, example in Ruth)
13. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with
quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
14. A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians
7:32-35)
Back to top
From
Children
Dear
GOD: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't
You just keep the ones You have?- Amy
Dear
GOD: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their
own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry
Dear
GOD: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -
Mickey
Dear
GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole
world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
Dear
GOD: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on
vacation? - Jane
Dear
GOD: I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell
me. - Love, Alison
Dear
GOD: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy
Dear
GOD: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words
in the house? - Anita
Dear
GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
- Norma
Dear
GOD: Who draws the lines around the countries? - Jan
Dear
GOD: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -
Neil
Dear
GOD: What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -
Jane
Dear
GOD: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?
Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear
GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -
Joyce
Dear
GOD: It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some
things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not
hurt him anyway. - Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)
Dear
GOD: Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be a day
of rest. - Tom L.
Dear
GOD: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before You can look
it up. - Bruce
Dear
GOD: If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton
because I hate her. - Denise
Dear
GOD: If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want,
except my money or my chess set. - Raphael
Dear
GOD: My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha! Ha! - Danny
Dear
GOD: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much
hair all over. - Tom
Dear
GOD: You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean
Dear
GOD: I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. - Ruth M.
Dear
GOD: I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliott
Dear
GOD: Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -
Rob
Dear
GOD: My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. He's
just kidding, isn't he? - Marsha
Dear
GOD: I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love,
Chris
Dear
GOD: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You
did it. So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna
Dear
GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you
fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -
Eddie
Dear
GOD: I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want you to
know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - Charles
Dear
GOD: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made
on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene
Back
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If
It Can Go Wrong...It Will
A Bricklayer's Explaination Of His
Accident.
I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor
Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation
and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the
accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later
were found to weigh 240 lbs.. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the
side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the
roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs. of
bricks. You will note on the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs..
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless
to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in
Section 3, accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by
this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the
rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.. I refer you
again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side
of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken
tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter
with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into
the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the
pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six
stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of
the rope. And I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto
me.
This explains the entry's made in section 5 of the
accident report under the heading of "additional injuries"
Submitted by: kbrown
Alias - Kerry
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Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop
sign. What do you do? That depends on how you exegete the stop sign.
A
postmodernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car), ending
forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.
Similarly,
a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that
the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the
workers on the east-west road.
A
serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the stop sign
apart from its interpretive community and their tradition. Observing that the
interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated
to take it too seriously either.
An
average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian
or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop if the car in front
of him does.
A
fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits
for it to tell him to go.
A
preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover
that it can mean:
Something
which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that
prevents a door from closing;
A
location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon
the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place
where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers
from your car.
An
orthodox Jew does one of two things:
Take
another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the
risk of disobeying the Law.
Stop
at the stop sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the
universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds
according to his watch, and then proceed.
Incidently,
the Talmud has the following comments on this passage:
R[abbi]
Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long.
R.
Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding.
R.
Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us
the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings.
R.
ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs.
R.
Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still,
and know that I am God."
R.
Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy
One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake
his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not
have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her.
Thus he was judged for his transgression at the stop sign.
R.
Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his
parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll.
One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young
Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way, he began reading and
speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: "Out of the mouth of
babes."
R.
ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is
written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens."
R.
ben Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is
written: "let them serve as signs."
R.
Yeshuah says: ... [continues for three more pages]
A
Pharisee does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds
instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and
connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.
A
scholar from Jesus seminar concludes that the passage "STOP"
undoubtably was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to stage
III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in
its parking lot.
A
NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on
Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew
streets are both copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical street called
"Q". There is an excellent 300 page discussion of speculations on the
origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew
and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an
unfortunately omission in the commentary, however; the author apparently forgot
to explain what the text means.
An
OT scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between
the first and second half of the passage "STOP". For example,
"ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas
"OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He
concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author for
the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars
determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate
authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and
the "P".
Another
prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better
into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why
in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later
redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not
there.
Because
of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar emends the text,
changing "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to
understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of
stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occured because
"SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets
back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be
interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area.
A
dispensationalist might reason, the sign was created for an earlier time and
does not apply today and will continue on through the intersection oblivious to
oncoming traffic. He might also reason that you may choose to obey the stop
sign, but if you do you will have to obey all traffic signs.
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